What Is Narcissistic Abuse?
By Sue Barker
Consultant on Narcissistic Abuse | Internationally Certified Life Coach
Author & Founder, Trinidad & Tobago Narcissistic Awareness & Healing Foundation (TTNAHF)
In recent years, the term narcissistic abuse has entered public conversation with increasing frequency. Yet despite its growing visibility, it remains one of the most misunderstood forms of abuse—often minimized, mislabelled, or dismissed altogether.
Many people come to me with a quiet but persistent knowing that something was deeply wrong in their relationships. They speak of confusion, emotional exhaustion, loss of confidence, and a profound sense of self-doubt—yet they struggle to explain why. What they experienced did not always leave bruises, but it left wounds just as real.
This weekly series, Surviving Narcissistic Abuse, is intended to bring clarity, education, and ultimately hope to those who have lived through this experience or are currently trying to make sense of it.
The most common question I hear in my practice is simple, yet profound:
“What exactly is narcissistic abuse?”
Understanding Narcissistic Abuse
Narcissistic abuse is not a single incident, argument, or disagreement. It is a pattern of maladaptive and manipulative behaviors used consistently over time to dominate, control, confuse, and emotionally destabilize another person.
These behaviors may include gaslighting (causing someone to doubt their reality), blame-shifting, emotional withholding, silent treatment, chronic criticism, triangulation, and control disguised as care, protection, or love. Individually, these behaviors may appear subtle or even explainable. Collectively, they form a destructive pattern that undermines a person’s psychological and emotional well-being.
What makes narcissistic abuse particularly damaging is its covert nature. Unlike overt physical abuse, it often unfolds quietly and incrementally. The survivor may not even realize what is happening until their sense of self has been significantly eroded. Over time, victims begin to question their perceptions, emotions, memory, and worth—often assuming the problem lies within themselves.
Where Does Narcissistic Abuse Come From?
Narcissistic abuse is carried out by individuals who exhibit narcissistic traits. In clinical settings, the diagnosis associated with severe and pervasive expressions of these traits is Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). However, it is important to note that not everyone who engages in narcissistic behavior has a formal diagnosis, and narcissism exists along a spectrum.
The focus of this series is not on labelling individuals, but on understanding patterns of behavior and their impact on those who experience them.
What Is Narcissism?
At its core, narcissism is best understood as an arrested emotional and psychological development that occurs early in life, during critical stages of personality formation. This disruption affects the neurological and neurobiological processes responsible for emotional regulation, empathy, attachment, and identity development.
For narcissism to develop, two primary factors are typically present:
- A genetic predisposition, which may influence temperament, emotional sensitivity, and stress response.
- A damaging early environment, often characterized by emotional neglect, inconsistent caregiving, excessive criticism, unrealistic expectations, emotional abandonment, or various forms of abuse—particularly emotional and psychological.
In such environments, the child does not develop a stable, secure sense of self. Instead, they learn that authenticity is unsafe, vulnerability is punished, and worth must be earned through performance, control, or approval.
Narcissism as a Survival Mechanism
Narcissism is not born out of confidence—it is born out of emotional injury. It is a survival adaptation that enables the individual to function despite an underdeveloped inner self.
Because the internal sense of identity was never securely formed, the narcissistic individual becomes dependent on external validation to regulate their self-worth. Admiration, attention, control, and affirmation temporarily fill an internal void—but the relief is short-lived.
This is why narcissistic patterns tend to be repetitive, compulsive, and resistant to change. The external world becomes a means of emotional regulation rather than a space for genuine connection.
Empathy, Self-Esteem, and the Inner Void
Contrary to popular belief, narcissists do not possess healthy self-esteem. What often appears as confidence or superiority is more accurately described as defensive grandiosity—a protective shield designed to guard against deep insecurity and shame.
Empathy—the ability to emotionally resonate with and care about another person’s experience—is significantly impaired. This does not mean the narcissistic individual cannot intellectually recognize emotions. Rather, they struggle to emotionally integrate another person’s feelings in a way that supports accountability, reciprocity, and repair.
As a result, relationships become transactional rather than relational. People are valued for what they provide—attention, validation, status, resources—not for who they are.
What This Series Will Offer
As this series unfolds, I will address the questions that arise most frequently in my work with survivors:
- Why is narcissistic abuse so confusing?
- Why is it so difficult to leave—even when the harm is clear?
- Why do survivors experience guilt, shame, trauma bonding, or emotional attachment after repeated mistreatment?
- And most importantly—how does healing truly begin?
My hope is that through understanding, you will find clarity; through clarity, peace; and through peace, the courage to begin your healing journey.
You are not weak.
You are not imagining things.
And you are not alone.
Next week: The subtle signs of “Narcissistic Abuse” most people miss.
For more information on bookings for workshops, group presentations and one on one counselling, call or WhatsApp 868-348-6586 or send request via ttnawh@gmail.com
